The Sands of Egypt

Salam Alekum traveler!

My name is Ali-Houdini Balam'ak Da Mohammed. But call me Din. Today, I'll be your guide. And I tell you esomething especial... we take adventure into one of oldest country on Earth. Very Cheap!

So my friend, where from? Oh America! OBAMA!! Where in America you from? New York? No, Not New York? Ah, I see, is near California? OK California! Laguna Beach! So Tell me, what you see in Egypt. I show you all. Very cheep.
OK we go! Very cheap.

You come right now! Come! Come! Here, you take this taxi OK we go!

Isn’t this taxi very beautiful? Oh, you want a seat belt. Don’t worry, it’s very safe. Just don’t lean on doors ok? Now, my friend. I teach you 5 words most important in Egypt. You repeat…

1. Allah alim - God knows best
2. Insha' Allah (God willing) – You’re excuse for doing nothing
3. Bakeesh - coins for tips and toilets.
4. Masha'allah - God's will
5. Salata – Salad

Remember these words….

So you want to go see Luxor. Ok we go there. But First we take bus. Go over there to bus station. I wait here. I don’t know which line. You choose and hope it is right. You buy tickets and get on the bus when it come. Ok you got tickets? Good.

We take bus and go to Luxor– Ancient capital of the Pharaohs. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the next 16 hours. Oh and there are movies on the bus. But all in Arabic. You speak Arabic right?

Ok here is bus. We get on. And yes, we always sit in seat assigned. See you have ticket with number. Which seat is yours? I don’t know. Start counting… Ok you two sit here. I sit in front of you. Sit down and try to relax. No! Don’t lean your seat back. That is not acceptable. Why do I get to lean my seat back? Because I Egyptian.

Ok, here we go. In 9 hours we arrive.

Ok, my friends, while we travel, I give you lesson on price in Egypt. Here you read this, my brother’s wife’s cousin’s aunt’s sister wrote this….

Welcome In Egypt! You’re Gide To Prise.
Prise 1: (EGYPTIAN) You don’t ask price, you take the item and as you walk away you give them the right amount that you know already from last purchase. 1 Egyptian Pound.
Prise 2: you’re a local, but you are “white” and you ask the price. 2 Egyptian Pound
Prise 3: You’re a foreigner, and you don’t speak no Arabic, but at least you’re not wearing your digital camera around your neck 3.50 Egyptian Pound
Prise 4: You a tourist. Everybody see it.
-5 E Pound if you Canadian
- 7 E Pound if you German or English or Russian
-10 E Pound if you Japanese. (You suckers!)

Now wasn’t that helpful? How about a bakeesh? That was number 3. I can make change…

Welcome to Luxor, my friends. Now read description sign while I go smoke.

Luxor is a magical place. On the East Bank of the River Nile is the modern city of Luxor which sits on the site of the ancient city of Thebes. You see in movie “The Mummy.” We built new city on top of the old one because it was too much hassle to movw those massive stones to the other side. It’s not, how you say, “a stone’s throw”. At the south end of Luxor is the massive Temple of Karnak, which is where Liz Taylor lived and covers an area similar in size to a major camel ranch. The crown jewel of the temple is the central area with its 134 (we think) standing columns the size of redwood trees. At the north end of Luxor, near the heart of the modern city, is the Temple of Luxor. The ATM is next to it. The two temples are about two miles (three kilometers) apart. In ancient times the road between the two was flanked by hundreds of sphinxes.

Now we go to bus station and take long ride to Sinai…

Hey my friends, wake up. Now we are in Sinai. We go snorkeling. Very beautiful. Ok my friends, I give Egyptian price for mask and flippers. Very Cheap! See, Sea of Aqaba very beautiful. You put on the flippers and walk out backwards to the ocean. Don't fall on anything! Ok have fun. I wait here and smoke Sheesha.

How was it? Very beautiful yes? Did you see all the fish and coral. Just like movie.
So now you want to visit Mount Sinai. I take you to mountain and we walk. It's very beautiful. We start at midnight. You take 3 hours to walk up and then 3 hours to walk down. And if you want you can take camel for very cheap. Come along! Just mind the camels. They spit and kick! See this place here. This St. Catherine's Monestary. It sits at the bottom of mountain. We come here later. Ok up we go.

Don't worry it's not far..... Ok how are you doing? It's only another 2 hours to the top! Let's move quickly, I want to pass this group of deaf Asians. You're right, they do honk a lot. Not very beautiful.

Congratulations! You reached the top. Very beautiful. Now you sit here until the sunrise then we walk back down. What do you mean you are cold? Didn't your guide tell you to bring a jacket? Oh that was me. No worries my friend. Just relax and enjoy the very beautiful sunrise. And don't go over there... there's group of Mexican Jews singing in Spanish. Come sit here. I go smoke.

Ok now wasn't sunrise very beautiful? We walk now. We take steps. 3700 steps of repentance. We go.... Ok how are you my friend? Tired? Yes, you're feet will be sore for 4 days after this. Come don't worry, this will only take three hours. Just watch your step the rocks are loose and uneven. Don't fall on the person in front of you. Hahaha! What do you mean you didn't realize how many steps 3700 really is. Come on we go smoke at the bottom.

So this is Saint Catherine's. It's very old and beautiful. Inside you see the burning bush and the body part of some saint. You Christians do that. Haha! You make me laugh. Very true that bush is not on fire! Yes, Moses didn't have that far to walk!

So, now you leave. I hope you liked Egypt. One of most beautiful countries on Earth.

Oh, you did?

…

Bakeesh?